Women just don’t like sex as much as men.
At least, that’s what a bunch of men whining about their uninterested partners would have us believe. It’s what they cry about on Facebook, and to advice columnists, and to pickup artists and incel support groups.
The science doesn’t support this claim. Instead, it suggests that monogamy isn’t hard for men. It’s hard for women, because it suppresses their sexual interest. That should come as no surprise. Long-term monogamy requires women to do almost all of the giving—more housework, more childcare, less sleep, more work on their appearance. And then they’re supposed to want to have sex, too?
Here’s the truth: There are millions of women happily jumping into beds with their partners, who are enjoying meaningful and frequent sex. And they do it because those partners have actually bothered to make themselves appealing. It’s not all women because it’s not all men.
I know, I know. Some evolutionary psychologist whose wife won’t have sex with him because he still can’t find the clitoris after 30 years told you otherwise.
It’s a lot easier to naturalize something that is very much your own damn fault. We’d rather blame women than look at the obvious and destructive behavior of men. We’d rather assume women owe men sex than listen to women that abstaining from sex with a foul-smelling sexist who can’t fuck her properly is a perfectly reasonable option.
The average heterosexual woman exists in a world where men tell her her value ends at 30, her body is disgusting after childbirth, and she must accept whatever a man does to her if she wants to stay married. Oh, and by the way, even though she’s super gross and awful, men are still going to constantly hit on her and maybe rape her, but she shouldn’t be a buzzkill about it.
Then women go home, and they don’t want to have sex with the partners who look a whole lot like the men who are threatening, demeaning, and harassing them.
And often their partners are the men who are threatening, demeaning, and harassing them. In a survey I conducted earlier this year, almost half of heterosexual women reported being afraid of their partners. In another survey I did, more than half reported being abused after giving birth.
But yeah. I’m sure the problem is that women need to learn to compromise and give to their partners. I bet if men sulk more and throw more tantrums, that will definitely work.
A lot of advice columnists like to frame things gently. They tell men that women need to connect to have sex, that for them sex is about love and the relationship. I guess it’s important to men to see women as less sexual than them. They want to act as if the problem is women’s unique and strange needs rather than men’s obvious and glaring shortcomings.
So men, if your partner won’t have sex with you, here’s your quick start guide to maybe fixing things:
Make her feel attractive. Did you make demeaning comments when she was pregnant? Were you grossed out by childbirth? Have you suggested she lose weight or wear makeup or otherwise change her appearance? If so, it will probably take years for her to recover from the damage you’ve done to her, and therefore years for her to want to have sex with you. You can start fresh by apologizing, never doing it again, building her up, and hoping she eventually forgives your sorry ass.
Start doing at least half of childcare and housework when you’re not at work. This is the actual bare minimum. If you do less than this, the message to your partner is clear: Her time matters less than yours. Women don’t typically want to have sex with people who treat them like servants.
Start doing a better job as a parent and partner. Most women don’t want to have sex with babies. So don’t act like one. Stop sulking when you don’t get your way. Learn how to clean the house well. Step up your parenting game. Stop treating your wife like a mommy who has to police you, and start policing yourself.
Learn about sexism and how it affects your partner. Fight it. Then make sure there’s none of it in your house.
Get good at sex. Ignore the bullshit that tells you women don’t care about orgasms or that sex is about connection. For the overwhelming majority of women, this is untrue. Talk to her about what she wants, and don’t judge her for it (unless you want her to boycott sex for another couple of years).
Make sure she has enough time to sleep. Chronically exhausted people do not want to give up sleep.
Work on yourself. Women spend their whole lives being told their appearance is inadequate. Men, meanwhile, are told that women should want them no matter how they look. Women want clean partners who take care of themselves. What are you doing to make yourself attractive to her?
I can hear the protests already: But what if it doesn’t work? What if she still won’t have sex with me?
Oh fucking well.
She doesn’t owe you sex.
But you do have to treat her like a human being. The suggestions above are guidelines for treating your partner like an equal person. If you find yourself lamenting how much work it will all be, and how you still might not get sex in return, then guess what.
You don’t deserve to have a partner, and you sure as shit don’t deserve sex.
Reminder: I’ll be releasing data from the State of Household Inequality survey next week! Here’s a small sample of the kind of information it will contain.
Paid subscribers get early access, and you can gift a subscription to someone you love.
